Driving Seat Disorder

Driving Seat Disorder!

Some veteran actors, most of the fathers, a few legendary sportspersons, many mothers-in-law, majority of the bosses, almost every leader suffers from this problem: Driving Seat Disorder.

In simple words, it is an urge to hold the steering wheel even when their hands shake, eyes grow blurry and when there’s a co-passenger ready to drive the vehicle. They don’t want to take the backseat.

An actor in his late 50s or even in his early 60s wants to act only as a hero. An ‘about-to-die’ politician does not wish to step down from electoral politics. Some bosses never understand that they should vacate the current position to their subordinates in order for themselves to move to the next position.

There is no greater concern about these people. They are in public domain or in the corporate world.

People or managements will eventually send them to backseats. How about people at home?

Some parents do not realise that their sons and daughters have grown up and have strong shoulders to share their responsibilities. Some parents-in-law think that their daughter-in-law is a guest or an outsider forever without giving her major responsibilities and without involving her in family’s major decision-making processes.

Why don’t they give their driving seat to others?

There can be multiple reasons: possessiveness and lack of trust, insecurity, unwillingness to experiment, love-induced blindness, blame-game pleasure and greatest of all: ego at work.

Over the years, we develop possessiveness on our work, our belongings and our responsibilities. This resists us from letting others take our roles and our responsibilities. We fear that the new driver may drive the car recklessly.

In some other cases, insecurity stops us from giving our driving seat to others. What if the new driver drives better than us? What if going to backseat will permanently take away my importance, my identity?

Most of us are very resistant to changes. We feel, what is not broken need not be fixed. We forget to understand that change is needed only when something is broken, a change can be for improvisation also. It is easy to keep drawing a straight line. It needs no changes, no thinking, no extra efforts and involves no risk of spoiling the paper, but unless we shift the pencil and draw a bend, we do not realise that, no art is possible with just one straight line.

The major problem is with those parents with love-induced blindness. They are over-protective and do not understand that no kid of any Kangaroo ever learns to hop like its parents if the parent kangaroos keep the joey in their pouch for lifetime. Such parents do not discuss their family problems and financial plans or shortcomings with their children. They do not involve their children in solving a family crisis. They don’t make them bend to toil. Such children grow up without learning the art, skill and science of managing ‘what-we-want with what-we-have’ because there existed a gap between children’s ‘what-they-want’ and parents’ management of ‘what-we-have’. But life’s not a fairy tale. Children have to confront the reality one day. Just because we are blind in love, it is foolish to keep our children blind to life.

And there comes one strange and sadistic factor: blame-game pleasure. Some of us feel a weird sense of pleasure in blaming or degrading others in the process of blowing our own trumpets. Some parents give responsibilities without giving freedom. We start micromanaging. A father starts planning and managing every penny the son earns. A mother interferes in minute details of her newly-wed daughter’s life. A mother-in-law starts directing even the trivial things to her daughter-in-law. It is okay to watch and warn them, but it’s incorrect to keep watching. Never tell ‘Hold the steering wheel but ask me before you want to turn it right or left’! It is worse than not giving the driving seat. Responsibility without freedom is useless and freedom without responsibility is dangerous.

Worse than this is assuming the children to be incapable or irresponsible before giving the driving seat. Observe the lingo of such elders. They start their talk about their children with ‘Children of these days…’, ‘When we were young…’. They often forget that their children were not manufactured and raised in some other planet. They also forget that if their parents had not trusted and given freedom, they would not have learnt to hold the steering wheel.

Lastly, ego plays its play undercurrent. Unnecessarily, elders get into competition with children. The player must one day stop playing and become a coach. The veteran actor, with all his experience, must take the supporting roles and add life to stories. Father must observe wrinkles, not just on his skin but in his mind too. Mother-in-law must recall that once she was a daughter-in-law as well.

Everyone lives their life. Once upon a time, someone else was driving the car. You had been just observing, sitting in the passenger seat. One day, they exchanged their seat with you. You started turning the steering wheel. They warned you when you sped up dangerously. They guided you the route in crossroads with no signboards. You learnt. You applied your ideas. You gained experience. Then, they moved to the back seat and relaxed. You drove confidently. That's exactly what we need to do. It's time to shift to the side seat and eventually to the backseat, letting a fresh-pair of sharp eyes and a new pair of firm hands to take the driving seat. The journey must go on.