Poor Pahom exists in most of us..

I remember a short story titled ‘How Much Land Does a Man Need?’ written by a great Russian writer - Leo Tolstoy. Quoting from my memory here’s a real quick summary of that:

Once a man named Pahom develops greed on lands. He wants to buy more and more land and earn more. He comes across Bashkirs (Turkic people) who own really a huge amount of land. They present an unusual offer. Pahom is offered just to pay 1000 rubles and get as much land as he wants. All he needs to do is to just start walking (or running) from a starting point when the sun rises and return to the same point before the sun sets. He can walk as far as he can and get all the land he walked through. IF he doesn’t reach the starting point at the time of sunset, he neither gets any land nor the money he paid. Pahom feels excited, pays 1000 rubles and starts walking. With the greed to get as much land he can, he walks so long-distance and gets so much exhausted that he falls down and dies at the starting point. At last, the Bashkirs bury the body in a six by three land justifying the title of the story.

At the surface, the story may just look spiritual trying to advocate us just to come out of our materialistic love for the worldly matters; just to be content with what is needed. But for me, it opens different windows.

We walk in the land of relationships like Pahom!

The couple who comes to know about the complications during the delivery of the baby just prays for a safer delivery without losing the lives of the mother and the baby. When the delivery is successful but the baby has some disorder, they get upset thinking that the baby should have been healthy comparing it with the one in the next bed of the maternity ward. As the child grows, fights the disorder and becomes healthy, the parents look at his marks card and wish he had some more marks. Then some more responsibility, then some better offers in the campus interviews, some better salary, then some better company onsite assignment.. the expectations keep expanding. The Pahon runs farther and farther.

This seems to happen in every relationship. Pahom seems to exist in most of us. He does not know how far to run, where to stop and when to return. More than these, he only knows what he wants; not how much he wants. It’s all about understanding that there are limitations to everything and to everyone. We just fail to see them. Although the land of love is infinite, the time of the relationship is limited. We should understand where to stop! We forget to take rest. We forget to give rest. We spend all our energy and we exhaust others around us as well.

The boy who just wished for one smile from the girl at the beginning goes to an extent of questioning and doubting her for casually smiling at others. The man who just starts his business for livelihood starts thinking of starting another business as soon as he accumulates some money. A middle-class man who is tired of paying rents wants to build a house for shelter. But soon he starts dreaming of some more houses as assets to his children. Is it wrong to dream? To progress? No, but it’s important that you remember the purpose, give yourself time and health to enjoy what you wished for and more importantly, remember that you maybe following some incorrect route or harming others in your journey. Pahom should remember his purpose, stop at the right point, take a break and move back.

Another disease that systematically kills our life, our relationship is ‘diminishing interest’.

The mind asks itself “I have got what I wanted. What next?” – the question is fine for intellectual aspects like your studies, a position in your workplace, an achievement in your field, a dream in your life. But how about emotional aspects?

I have got a good friend. I have got a good partner. I have got my soul mate – the question cannot be ‘What next?’. It should be ‘why next?’

But that’s not easy. Our mind fails to differentiate between intelligence and emotions; things and people. We tend to get bored of what we have, we tend to seek for something new unnecessarily; we tend to get attracted to something not explored before; we tend to ‘take for granted’ – although it’s named ‘seven-year itch’, it may happen much before.

Someone with whom you were waiting to spend time, if available freely for a longer time, gradually becomes boring. The person whom you admired from a distance will become ordinary if you get his or her intimacy. It’s only the tourists who exclaim ‘Wow!’ when they see the Taj Mahal for the first time. The photographers or the guides who see it every day have no such fascination towards it.

The girl who looked very beautiful as a girlfriend becomes an ordinary wife, the boy who sounded very different as a lover becomes ‘just like any other’ husband, the teacher who was very interesting when he took the first class becomes very boring as the days pass. Your friends, your colleagues, your neighbours – everyone undergoes this ‘diminishing interest’ phase. Do they really change and become boring? Well, the answer is: partially yes and partially no.

They do not change completely. But in our eyes, their company becomes old. The repetition creates boredom. On the other hand, they do not present the best of themselves to you as the days pass. They feel the same about your company. It’s old. It’s already achieved. It’s taken for granted. The interest that a salesman or a salesgirl shows when you go to buy something new, the way they present is obviously not the same if you go the next day to exchange the item you purchased the previous day because of some damage, defect or dislike. Yesterday, it had to be sold. Today, it is sold.

The other way could be: after we have achieved a relationship, we are confident of its bonding and we may feel it’s not necessary to nurture it with immense care. It survives itself; just a confidence of being understood.

But growing expectations and diminishing interests – both kill a relationship, gradually. Should we stop being killed? If love still exists, yes!

When the expectations grow beyond a limit, we hug the loved one so tightly that they feel suffocated, so breathless that they want to come out of the hug. When the interest is diminishing, the hand of the loved one is so loosely held that he or she can easily get detached.

So, it’s all about loosening the hug and tightening the holding of the hand. The first one gives them breathing space to be comfortable with you and the second one stops them from forgetting your role and importance in their life.

Pahom should know where to stop and when to return. Continuous running exhausts him and he may not return to the point he wanted to arrive at. Running for a very short distance and arriving back early gives him comfort but leaves him with lesser land.

It’s important that we give the right and get the best.